TechNicaL JoKes

Whatz a PJ ?
 Obviously "a poor joke"
 Whatz a (P + i J)?
 - A "complex poor joke"
Why don't people laugh on a "complex poor joke" ?
- Bcoz the joke part of it is imaginary.
*********************************************************
 A railway station beggar meets another beggar.
An IT engineer meets another.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?
"So, which platform are you working on?"
**********************************************************
 A guy is traveling in a deluxe car in the desert.
He wants to take a bath,
but he hasn't got a soap and there is no water
anywhere around...
what can he do?
-He will integrate his d- lux car to get Lux + c (constant of integration)
Using the lux soap he will take bath in the 'c'.
************************************************************
Tortoise and rabbit gave IIT-JEE exam and tortoise got 80% and rabbit got
81%. Both wanted admission in a good engineering college, cut off was 85%.

Rabbit dint get but tortoise got in.... How?
.....
.....
.....
.....
Ans: Remember tortoise had won the race when you were in first standard..
So.. Sports quota!!!!
*************************************************************
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven............
They decide to play hide-n-seek.........
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........
He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it rightin front of Einstein...........
Einsteins counting......  97,98,99..... 100........
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newtons out..newtons....out....."
Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims tht he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out and he proves tht he is not newton..........

HOW?????????.................
His proof:
Newton says:
 I am standing in a square of area 1m square.....
That means i am Newton per meter square......Hence i am Pascal....since newton per meter square = Pascal
*****************************************************
Why does a dumb cat fall while walking??
.
.
.
Becoz the cat is dumb so it cant Mew. So Mew(coefficient of friction) is = 0. So it slips n falls
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ITS A 7 LETTER WORD.
IF WE REMOVE 1 LETTER FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 2 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 3 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS  SAME.
IF WE REMOVE ALL THE LETTERS FROM IT, IT STILL REMAINS SAME.
WHATZ IT ?
...
...
Ans : POSTBOX
*******************************************************
Why Brook shield didn't marry James bond???

....
....
....
Becoz she didn't want to become BROOK BOND!!!

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Out Of Office mails........

These are the best of the best "Out of Office" automatic email replies out there...

1) I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2) You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3) Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4) I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6) The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8) Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9) I've run away to join a different circus.

10) I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

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Puzzles...

Try To Answer the puzzles and then Look into the answers section....its so funny and interesting too......Use your brain........

1	Sand	Answer = Sandbox
2	Man Board	Answer = Man Overboard
3	Stand I	Answer = I Understand
4	r/e/a/d/i/n/g	Answer = Reading Between The Lines
5	R ROAD A D	Answer = Cross Road
6	cycle cycle cycle	Answer = Tricycle
7	t o w n	Answer = Downtown
8	0 M.D. Ph.D.	Answer = Two Degrees Below Zero
9	knee light	Answer = Neon Light
10	dice dice	Answer = Paradise
11	mind matter	Answer = Mind Over Matter
12	he's / himself	Answer = He's Beside Himself
13	ecnalg	Answer = Backward Glance
14	death / life	Answer = Life After Death

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IFF FaceBook Existed Years Ago

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This is happening now !

Sad, especially if you are inclined to 'help' people...

While driving on a rural end of the roadway on Thursday morning, I saw an infant car seat on the side of the road with a blanket draped over it. For whatever reason, I did not stop, even though I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. But when I got to my destination, I called the Police and they were going to check it out. But, this is what the Police advised even before they went out there to check....

"There are several things to be aware of ... gangs and thieves are now plotting different ways to get a person (mostly women)to stop their vehicle and get out of the car.

"There is a gang initiation reported by the local Police where gangs are placing a car seat by the road...with a fake baby in
it...waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the abandoned baby.

" Note that the location of this car seat is usually beside a wooded or grassy (field) area and the person -- woman -- will be dragged into the woods, beaten and raped, and usually left for dead. If it's a man, they're usually beaten and robbed and maybe left for dead, too.

DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON!!!

DIAL 100
AND REPORT WHAT YOU SAW, BUT DON'T EVEN SLOW DOWN.

"IF YOU ARE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT YOUR WINDSCREEN, DO NOT STOP TO CHECK THE CAR , DO NOT OPERATE THE WIPER AND DO NOT SPRAY ANY WATER BECAUSE EGGS MIXED
WITH WATER BECOME MILKY AND BLOCK YOUR VISION UP TO 92.5%, AND YOU ARE THEN FORCED TO STOP BESIDE THE ROAD AND BECOME A VICTIM OF THESE CRIMINALS.

THIS IS A NEW TECHNIQUE USED BY GANGS, SO PLEASE INFORM YOUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.

THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES AND THESE ARE UNSAVOURY INDIVIDUALS WHO WILL TAKE DESPERATE MEASURES TO GET WHAT THEY WANT."


Please talk to your loved ones about this. This is a new tactic used. Please be safe.

Share this post on your social network pages and inform others.

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A Nice Story..

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. 'I want to repay you,' said the nobleLAXMIman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?

"Sir Winston Churchill."

Someone once said: "What goes around comes around".

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

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Play the Music

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Some Computer Magic

MAGIC #1 

An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable? At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened! TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER 

MAGIC #2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file

2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)

3.) Save it as whatever you want.

4.) Close it, and re-open it. Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!

MAGIC #3

Again this is something funny and can't be explained? At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened! It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself?

Open Microsoft Word and type =rand (200, 99) And then press ENTER And see the magic?..!

Magic #4

Did you know that a flight number from one of the planes that hit one of the two WTC towers on 9/11 was Q33N.

In Notepad / WordPad or MS Word, type that flight number i.e. Q33N. Increase the font size to 72. Change the font to Wingdings. ….. u will be amazed by the findings!!!…………………..

Magic#5

Clipboard Hack Problem - Shocking news about CTRL+C

Ctrl+C may be the most important work we do everyday. But it's not a very safe thing to do. Read on to know why. What happens when you press Ctrl+C while you are online. We do copy various data by Ctrl + C for pasting elsewhere. This copied data is stored in clipboard and is accessible from the net by a combination of Javascripts and ASP. This is called clipboard hack problem. 
Just try this: 
1. Copy any text by Ctrl + C

2. Click the Link: http://www.sourcecodesworld.com/special/clipboard.asp

3. You will see the text you copied was accessed by this web page.

Surprised! I know you are because i was also surprised to see it. Do not keep sensitive data (like passwords, credit card numbers, PIN etc.) in the clipboard while surfing the web. It is extremely easy to extract the text stored in the clipboard to steal your sensitive information. Forward this information to as many friends as you can, to save them from online frauds! 
It is true, text you last copied for pasting (copy & paste) can be stolen when you visit web sites using a combination of JavaScript and ASP (or PHP, or CGI) to write your possible sensitive data to a database on another server. 
How Cipboard Hack is done? 
The Clipboard hack is done by the following Source Code: 
<script language="JavaScript">
var content = clipboardData.getData("Text");

alert(content);

</script>

How to safeguard yourself from Clipboard Hack Problem? 
To avoid clipboard hack problem, do the following in Internet Explorer:
1. Go to internet options->security.

2. Press custom level.

3. In the security settings, select disable under Allow paste operations via script. (Scripting sub heading)

Now the contents of your clipboard are safe. 
Interestingly, this hack works only on internet explorer, and not on Mozilla Firefox browser. Please forward this article to as many friends as you can to make them aware of this issue with CTRL+C.

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Never Be A Software Developer

Introduction:

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)

Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??

 

Result-----------------------

 

He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

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MAKE HUGE DIFFERENCE TO THE INDIAN ECONOMY

I got this article from one of my friend, but it's true, I can see this from day to day life, Small example:

Before 5 months 1 US $ = IND Rs 44 

After 5 months. Now it is 1 US $ = IND Rs 53

Do you think US Economy is booming? No, but Indian Economy is Going Down. Our Economy is in our hands, INDIAN economy is in a crisis. Our country like many other ASIAN countries is undergoing a severe economic crunch. Many INDIAN industries are closing down. The INDIAN economy is in a crisis and if we do not take proper steps to control those, we will be in a critical situation. More than 30000 crore rupees of foreign exchange are being siphoned out of our country on products such as cosmetics, snacks, tea, beverages..... Etc. which is grown, produced and consumed here. A cold drink that costs only 70 / 80 paisa to produce is sold for NINE rupees, and a major chunk of profits from these are sent abroad. This is a serious drain on INDIAN economy. We have nothing against Multinational companies, but to protect our own interests we request everybody to use INDIAN products only for next two years. With the rise in petrol prices, if we do not do this, the rupee will devalue further and we will end up paying much more for the same products in the near future. 

What you can do about it? 

1. Buy only products manufactured by WHOLLY INDIAN COMPANIES. 

2. ENROLL as many people as possible for this cause. 

Each individual should become a leader for this awareness. This is the only way to save our country from severe economic crisis. You don't need to give-up your lifestyle. You just need to choose an alternate product.  All categories of products are available from WHOLLY INDIAN COMPANIES. 

LIST OF PRODUCTS 

COLD DRINKS: 

USE- LEMON JUICE, FRESH FRUIT JUICES, CHILLED LASSI (SWEET OR SOUR), BUTTER MILK, COCONUT WATER, JALJEERA, ENERJEE, and MASALA MILK... 

INSTEAD OF- COCA COLA, PEPSI, LIMCA, MIRINDA, SPRITE 

BATHING SOAP: 

USE - CINTHOL & OTHER GODREJ BRANDS, SANTOOR, WIPRO SHIKAKAI, MYSORE SANDAL, MARGO, NEEM, EVITA, MEDIMIX, GANGA , NIRMA BATH & CHANDRIKA 

INSTEAD OF - LUX, LIFEBOY, REXONA, LIRIL, DOVE, PEARS, HAMAM, LESANCY, CAMAY, PALMOLIVE 

TOOTH PASTE:  

USE - NEEM, BABOOL, PROMISE, VICO VAJRADANTI, PRUDENT, DABUR PRODUCTS, MISWAK 

INSTEAD OF - COLGATE, CLOSE UP, PEPSODENT, CIBACA, FORHANS, MENTADENT

BRUSH:

USE - GODREJ, EMANI  

INSTEAD OF - PALMOLIVE, OLD SPICE, GILLETE 

BLADE:

USE - SUPERMAX, TOPAZ, LAZER, ASHOKA 

INSTEAD OF - SEVEN-O -CLOCK, 365, GILLETTE 

TALCUM POWDER: 

USE - SANTOOR, GOKUL, CINTHOL, WIPRO BABY POWDER, BOROPLUS 

INSTEAD OF - PONDS, OLD SPICE, JOHNSON BABY POWDER, SHOWER TO SHOWER 

MILK POWDER: 

USE - INDIANA, AMUL, AMULYA 

INSTEAD OF - ANIKSPRAY, MILKANA, EVERYDAY MILK, MILKMAID. 

SHAMPOO: 

USE - LAKME, NIRMA, VELVET, HIMALAYA 

INSTEAD OF - HALO, ALL CLEAR, NYLE, SUNSILK, HEAD AND SHOULDERS, PANTENE 

MOBILE CONNECTIONS: 

USE - BSNL, AIRTEL, RELIANCE, TATA DOCOMO

INSTEAD OF - VODAPHONE, UNINOR 

Every INDIAN product you buy makes a big difference. It saves INDIA. Let us take a firm decision today. BUY INDIAN TO BE INDIAN we are not against of foreign products.  WE ARE NOT ANTI-MULTINATIONAL. WE ARE TRYING TO SAVE OUR NATION. EVERY DAY IS A STRUGGLE FOR A REAL FREEDOM.  WE ACHIEVED OUR INDEPENDENCE AFTER LOSING MANY LIVES. THEY DIED PAINFULLY TO ENSURE THAT WE LIVE PEACEFULLY. THE CURRENT TREND IS VERY THREATENING. MULTINATIONALS CALL IT GLOBALISATION OF INDIAN ECONOMY. FOR INDIANS LIKE YOU AND ME IT IS RECOLONISATION OF INDIA ... THE COLONIST'S LEFT INDIA THEN. BUT THIS TIME THEY WILL MAKE SURE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES.  WHO WOULD LIKE TO LET A “GOOSE THAT LAYS GOLDEN EGGS" SLIP AWAY. 

PLEASE REMEMBER: POLITICAL FREEDOM IS USELESS WITHOUT ECONOMIC INDEPENDENCE.. 

RUSSIA, S.KOREA, MEXICO ..........THE LIST IS VERY LONG!!  LET US LEARN FROM THEIR EXPERIENCE AND FROM OUR HISTORY. LET US DO THE DUTY OF EVERY TRUE INDIAN. 

FINALLY: IT'S OBVIOUS THAT U CAN'T GIVE UP ALL OF THE ITEMS MENTIONED ABOVE, SO GIVE UP ATLEAST ONE ITEM  FOR THE SAKE OF OUR COUNTRY.

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Puzzle + Jokes

Puzzle 1
There are two rooms. They have regular walls between them and are completely seperate, except for a door connecting the two. When the door is closed, it lets absolutely no light through. The first room has three light switches (Switch A, Switch B, and Switch C), each of which starts in the off position. The second room has a bare lightbulb, connected to the wall four feet up. One of the three switches turns on the light bulb. The other two do nothing. You do not know which one. You start in the first room. You may flip any of the light switches, as many times as you want for as long as you want. But you may not open the door into the second room, yet. Once you've played with the light switches, you have to open the door and walk into the second room. Once you open the door you may not touch any of the light switches again. After you've been in the second room you must know EXACTLY which light switch turns on the light bulb (Switch A, B or C).

Ans:-Turn on the switch A for 30 minutes. Then turn it off and turn on switch B.

Immediately go into the second room. If the light bulb is warm and off, then switch A controls it. If it is on, then switch B controls it. If it is off and cold, then switch C controls it.

Puzzle 2
Lewis goes to the pet store and buys 2 male goldfish.

These are the only fish Lewis has. Two weeks later, one of the fish Lewis bought, dies.

Now only two fish remain. How is this possible.

Ans:-two fish was the fishes name. the other was one fish

Puzzle 3
 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Ans:-The temperature would be minus 32 C (32C is 0F so 2 times 32 would be -32C...)

Jokes Here

Joke:

Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now one hour early

Student: Accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher

Teacher: who shot that spit ball

Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.

Joke:

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'

The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!

Joke:-

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to do anything with you, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay; he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had anything. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

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March fun

Read this, it's really cool....

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,  "Do you know where God is, son?"  The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time".
("I really LOVED reading next line again and again")

....

....

.... GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

---

Who are Better Friends? Men or Women

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriends apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend’s apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion : Men are better friends

---

Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls
from irritating you:

1)      After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2)      Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3)      Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4)      Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5)      Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to
your five year old child.

6)      Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7)      If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............."

8)      Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9)      Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10)  Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the HSBC call centre number.

---

AN AMERICAN VISITED INDIA AND WENT BACK TO AMERICA WHERE HE MET HIS INDIAN FRIEND WHO ASKED HIM “HOW DID U FOUND MY COUNTRY” THE AMERICAN SAID IT IS A GREAT COUNTRY WITH SOLID ANCIENT HISTORY AND IMMENSELY RICH WITH NATURAL RESOURCES. THE INDIAN FRIEND THEN ASKED …. “HOW U FOUND INDIANS …….??”

“INDIANS??”

“WHO INDIANS??”

I DIDN'T FIND OR MET A SINGLE INDIAN THERE IN INDIA …….

“WHAT NONSENSE??”

“WHO ELSE COULD U MET IN INDIA THEN……??”

THE AMERICAN SAID …….. IN KASHMIR I MET A KASHMIRI–

IN PUNJAB A PUNJABI—–

IN BIHAR,MAHARASTRA, RAJASTHAN, BENGAL ,TAMILNADU,KERALA

BIHARI,MARATHI, MARWADI, BENGALI,TAMILIAN, MALAYALI………

THEN I MET

A MUSLIM,

A HINDU

A CHRISTIAN,

A JAIN,

A BUDDHIST

AND MANY MANY MANY MORE

BUT NOT A SINGLE INDIAN DID I MEET

THINK HOW SERIOUS THIS JOKE IS…………….. THE DAY WOULD NOT BE FAR OFF WHEN INDEED WE WOULD BECOME A COLLECTION OF NATION STATES AS SOME REGIONAL ANTI-NATIONAL POLITICIANS WANT ...

FIGHT BACK - ALWAYS SAY I AM INDIAN

Regards,

A True Indian

No Name, Just An Indian....!!

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February fever

---

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard).
They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND".
But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words.
So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!!
Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..
So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER":
Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much......

---

Doctor to patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.
Pappu : Doctor saheb Pehle se zyada kharab ho gayi hai.
Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?
Pappu : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : Are Pappu ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li
thi kya.
Pappu : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi.
Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?
Pappu : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.
Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?
Pappu : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.
Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet
me dala tha k nai?
Pappu : Nai doctor saheb.
Doctor : Kyon?
Pappu : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.
Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.
Pappu : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band
rakhna.
Doctor : Tera ilaj main nai kar sakta.
Pappu : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga

---

One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
"Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

---

Before Marriage - - -

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top

---

Musharaff wanted to raise money for his country, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. however at the local auction, the going price was very high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. he figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. to his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day in the local paper:

'MUSHARAFF'S ASS SHOWS'.

Mian sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,and this time it won. the paper read:

'MUSHARAFF'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'.

His wife was so upset with this kind of publicity that she ordered mian musharaff not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read:

'WIFE SCRATCHES MUSHARAFF'ASS'.

This was too much for wife. so she ordered musharaff to get rid of the donkey. Mian sahib decided to give it to benazir.

The paper headline the next day read:

'BENAZIR TAKES MUSHARAFF'S ASS'.

Followed by another on the next day:

'NOW BENAZIR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.

All the opposition leaders got very upset at this kind publicity. They informed benazir that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs.500.

Next day the headline read:

'BENAZIR SELLS HER ASS FOR RS.500'.

This was too much for the veteran opposition leader, nawabzada nasrullah khan, so he ordered benazir to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read:

'BENAZIR ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.

---

Once, in the morning, two idiots were quarelling. The first idiot was saying that there is sun in the sky, while other was claiming that there is moon in the sky.

Then they saw a man passing by and decided to ask him what is there in the sky. Both the idiots went to him and asked whether there is sun in the sky or moon. The man stared at both of them and then replied, "Sorry, I am new in this village."

---

Doctor : "That is due to old age".
Old woman : "But both of my legs are of the same age"......

---

Dr. Ke Band Clinic Ke Age Lambi Line Thi
Ek Sardar Bar Bar Line Mein Ghusta
Loag Usko Pakar Kar Piche Phenk Dete
Sardar : Lage Raho Saalo Mein Bhi Clinic Nahi Kholunga

---

Apni bibi ki anthim sanskar kar ek admi ghar laut raha tha.
Beech raste mein jor se hawa chalne lagi, badal garjane lage,
bijli chamki aur tej barish hone lagi. Aadmi ne kaha,
"Lag raha hai ki wah wahan pauch gayi hai."

---

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

---

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Kashmir belongs to India

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile. A representative from India began:

 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought,  “What a good opportunity to have a bath”. He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.' The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then”

The Indian representative smiled and said, “And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech”

And they say Kashmir belongs to them...

---

Ek bechaara gareeb aadami 2 din se bhookhaa baitha hotaa hai. Usse ek murgi dikhaayi deti hai... woh uss murgi ko pakad ke ghar le aata hai... aur apani Biwi se kehtaa hai... "Aaj hum log kuchh khaa sakenge. Ek murgi pakad me aayi hai"

Biwi kehati hai “ghar me na toh tel hai... na gas... ya ghaaslate... na masaala... nal me 3 din se paani tak nahee aaya hai... kaise pakaaungi?”

Wo aadami sochataa hai fiir bechaari murgi ko maar ke kyaa faayda... aur uss murgi ko chhod detaa hai.

Murgi khushee khushee chillati hai...

"Congress Jindaabad... Congress Jindaabad"

---

Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!"

Santa responded immediately, "Thank you, your honour! I will have a scotch and soda."

---

A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter.

The cashier asked ,”sir, do you have a dog?”

“yes”  Replied the man.

“well, where is it?” asked the cashier.

“I left him home” He answered.

“sorry.” The cashier said. “You can’t buy the dog food if I can’t see the dog. That’s the rules”

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout.

“Do you have a cat?” asked the cashier.

“yes,” he said, “but I left him home”

“sorry” The cashier said. “You can’t buy the cat food if I can’t see the cat. That’s the rules”

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, “Put your hand in here.”

The cashier put her hand in and said ,”it’s soft and warm. What is it?”

The man replied “I’d like three rolls of toilet paper please !”

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